Sitting at home during the day, as I so often do these days considering I only have 12 hours of uni contact a week, I've come to enjoy the magic of daytime television.
Executives at the television networks might not put much effort into programming decent shows for these timeslots, but in my mind - and in the mind of my friend Lisa, they've done a pretty damn good job.
In a recent conversation, we realised that, if we wanted to, (and puh-leeze, not that we would! [or would we?]) we could happily stay at home for the entire day and keep ourselves entertained simply thanks to the television shows "not good enough" for a PrimeTime slot.
Now, if you've woken up at some unGodly hour - as I have taken to thanks to the constant banging, swearing and loud truck noises outside my window as the construction workers continue to build a brand new block of units behind me - never fear, Kochie and Mel are here.
From 6am - 9am every weekday morning, Kochie, Mel, Nat, Mark and Grant will entertain you with a myriad of news updates, "Why can't you tickle yourself" science segments, and of course all the daily Hollywood gossip with the delightful, yet "I-can't-figure-out-whether-you're-homosexual" Nelson Aspen.
Now, when Sunrise is over, and despite both Lisa and I vowing that daytime television wouldn't be the same without Bert Newton and Moira (who co-incidently, never once thanked Bert Newton in all the years he said "And now, here's Moira...) but "9am with David and Kim" has a certain charm to them -David Reyne with his arrogance he picked up through his years at working on the station that claims to be "Still the One" despite the fact that Seven is whipping its arse in the ratings, and Kim Watkins with her motherly, "what-am-I-doing-on-TEN" smile. Sure, there's no Moira, but they've already started coining their own phrases "Now, let's go for a spin in the 9am shopping cart. And of course, there's still the guy from Exclusive Photography talking to the woman who used to be on Agro.
At 11am when viewers bid farewell to David and Kim, they have two choices as I see fit. If you haven't had enough news - you can tune into TEN's morning news, (which I would personally, no need to strain yourself to reach over and get the remote) or you can switch over to Nine for their take on the days events.
11:30 rolls around and it's time to get a few tips from Australia's very own D-grade celebrities Alyssa-Jane Cook and Lochie Daddo about the best ways to redecorate your home in this cheap mans version of Better Homes and Gardens. It's called Home.Life.Style and it has its charms. It's thrilling to know that when I become a washed up old newsreader that I could probably find a job on daytime television doing this sort of home renovation show, or hosting "Infobreak" - "I've paid more for a cup of coffee..." Yes, I certainly have.
Of course, if you're not too keen on news or home renovation, you could always switch to Seven and watch a few American sitcoms, but they can never decide which one they want to put on. One day it's "Eight Simple Rules" the next it's one of the myraid of "Fat Husband, Hot Wife" sitcoms they've picked up through the years.
12:00 means it's Ellen time though - it's simply the "be all and end all" of daytime television. Move over Oprah, Ellen DeGeneres is here to ensure we all "have a little fun today". That may have sounded sarcastic, but I actually enjoy this show. It has none of the "Oh my God! Are you telling me bird flu WILL kill hundreds of thousands of people in the United States" that Oprah has degenerated into lately. It's fun, it's a little racy and it's a whole lot of lesbian action! Ellen is the hottest talk show host to come out of the United States in recent years and she pulls the talkshow thing off with elegence, grace and a whole lot of dancing.
When Ellen's over, it's time to grab out the Kleenexs and brace yourself for another touching episode of Oprah. There is already too much written on the internet about Oprah, so there's really not a lot left to say about the Queen of Talkshows. However irriating the episode is, it's a staple for daytime viewing.
Now, at 2:00, Seven are showing old episodes of Blue Heelers, that's always a good trip down memory lane. Lately they've playing the episodes that I remember from about 2002 - ah, how Mt Thomas has changed - hot Jo Parish was alive, Tess married a gay guy unwittingly and Tom Croydon wasn't an arsehole. Still, it's a pity Seven have left Blue Heelers to die on Saturday nights. Shame on you.
By this time you're getting pretty damn sick of daytime TV, but there's still some gems - Judge Judy (or Danoz Direct if you live in Southern Cross TEN area). Then you can watch Simon Reeve asking snotty nosed children questions in "It's Academic" and then more news on Seven! After that it's TEN's News @ 5, and you're straight into PrimeTime viewing!
So there you have it, Lisa and I have conclusively proven that you can quite adequately entertain yourself with daytime television. Now if you'll excuse me, Oprah is on.
Whatever happened to Jerry Springer!?
I think a lot of the reason why I liked the movie more than most people is that during the course of the film I developed a rather huge crush on one, Sophie Neveu.
